What I like about Elizabeth Gilbert's memoir "Committed" is how it upholds the value of unconditional love. The notion that we are all flawed but all we want really is to be loved without conditions. It's never about the stuff in a marriage it's always about the substance. Is there romance? Is there passion? Is there respect? Is there kindness? Is there compassion, caring and constant effort? Is there affectionate touching? Does he or she love me no matter what? Is there one place in this life, on this planet where we are loved for just who we are as we are, warts and all? To me, this is what true love and true commitment are all about. And I think Gilbert gets this.
Gilbert points out on page 123 that according to the Rutgers study, other factors of marital resilience include:Education, children,cohabitation, heterogamy, social integration, religiousness, and gender fairness. If you have the book I advise you to sift through the findings of this study--very interesting. But what's even more noteworthy is what Felipe said to Elizabeth when she asks him on page 128 how he knows he really loves her.
Felipe talks about his gem stone business and then he goes on to say, " It's the same with relationships, I think. People always fall in love with the most perfect aspects of each other's personalities. Who wouldn't? Anybody can love the most wonderful part of another person. But that's not the clever trick. The really clever trick is this: Can you accept the flaws? Can you look at your partner's faults honestly and say, 'I can work around that. I can make something out of that.'? Because the good stuff is always going to be there, and it's always going to be pretty and sparkly, but the crap underneath can ruin you." And then Gilbert says, " Are you saying that you are clever enough to work around my worthless junky, crappy bits?" And then Felipe says, "...I can accept the whole parcel."
After 22 years of marriage I think Felipe hits the mark. We are all beautiful and we are all flawed--the deal is can we love that beauty and those flaws of the partner we are with--that's clever allright and wise. I love the famous chinese proverb which says, "Before marriage have both eyes wide open, after, close one." Or the Buddhist saying, " Focus on his or her strengths not the weaknesses or there will be no end to the weaknesses.
Ah, yes, commitment really requires our own commitment to loving unconditionally doesn't it? Any thoughts, Keep creating guys, love, Leslie
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Monday, January 18, 2010
Elizabeth Gilbert prays on commitment
As I read "Committed" I can't help but wish it were more like her previous book, "Eat, Pray. Love." Her writing seems different and not as engaging for me yet I like the topic. As she shares her struggle with the western concept of marriage after her horrific first divorce I understand her trepidation as she faces a new commitment to Felipe.
On page 53 Elizabeth writes, " What is marriage supposed to be, then if not a delivery device of ultimate bliss? But she quickly explains that even though this is the ideal the reality is often anything but blissful. As Gilbert grapples with what matrimony promises versus what it actually is she compares it to a battle. Later on page 85 she wrote, "An old Polish adage warns: before going to war, say one prayer. Before going to sea, say two prayers. Before getting married, say three." She then writes, "I intend to pray all year."
I think those of us who have been married for many moons know that love, commitment and everything monogamy requires is so complicated, complex and impossible to explain. The factors involved in making any committed relationship work vary from couple to couple. Elizabeth shares her fears about approaching marriage for a second time while she examines like an anthropologist the institution of marriage across many cultures.
I like her exploration even though this memoir reads more like case studies. It is a bit dry, but I still like her message. Don't give up on committed love. As we aproach Valentines day--a worthy concept to contemplate,
Take care, Leslie
On page 53 Elizabeth writes, " What is marriage supposed to be, then if not a delivery device of ultimate bliss? But she quickly explains that even though this is the ideal the reality is often anything but blissful. As Gilbert grapples with what matrimony promises versus what it actually is she compares it to a battle. Later on page 85 she wrote, "An old Polish adage warns: before going to war, say one prayer. Before going to sea, say two prayers. Before getting married, say three." She then writes, "I intend to pray all year."
I think those of us who have been married for many moons know that love, commitment and everything monogamy requires is so complicated, complex and impossible to explain. The factors involved in making any committed relationship work vary from couple to couple. Elizabeth shares her fears about approaching marriage for a second time while she examines like an anthropologist the institution of marriage across many cultures.
I like her exploration even though this memoir reads more like case studies. It is a bit dry, but I still like her message. Don't give up on committed love. As we aproach Valentines day--a worthy concept to contemplate,
Take care, Leslie
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Mary Karr wins over her darkness
Hi Dear friends: My lovely Mom passed away on December 14Th and this is the first time I have been able to begin blogging again. I Know my Mom would be like, "Leslie, get on with it--you know you are a writer, so write, write and keep on writing.I'm busy with my next life anyway--so don't delay on my account" OK Mom, here goes:
At the end of Mary's Memoir she describes her suicide attempt and how she admitted herself in to the mental institution she had the privilege of belonging to as the wife of a Harvard man. She later describes her time at the institution not as a nervous break-down, but as a nervous break-through. In reflection she writes, "I think back to the morning when I'd worked on the suicide note feeling already dead. It's a thousand years ago, the writing of that note."
She also wrote about how her connection to Church and God allowed her to pray deeply to break away from both her addiction and the darkness that held her happiness hostage. She explains the power of her prayer in this way, " It sounds so fake to say it, but only after I started praying was I able to put sober days together."
During the final section of Mary's book I see so many parallels to my own childhood. The struggle my Mom battled against addiction, the struggle I face now after her death seeing her soaring fighting spirit to battle darkness everywhere in me. Thank you Mary for writing honestly and inspiring me as I write my Memoir and thank you Mom for, like Mary, fighting to live and raise your children with a loving heart. Thank you. I love you for that forever Mom.
Our next Oprah pick from her January Magazine will also be a memoir. It's written by Elizabeth Gilbert who also wrote, "Eat, Pray, Love" soon to be a movie with Julia Roberts! Yes, I'll be going to that! Anyway, her new Memoir will be out on Jan 5Th and it called " Committed" It's all about her marriage to Felipe and the challenges and Joys of committed relationships. In the excerpt from her new Memoir in Oprah's January Magazine, she writes," There is hardly a more gracious gift that we can offer somebody than to accept them fully, to love them almost despite themselves."
I hope everyone pursues their creative dreams in 2010 and I hope reading our Oprah picks continues to inspire all of us to never give up on our creaivity, Happy New Year, Leslie
At the end of Mary's Memoir she describes her suicide attempt and how she admitted herself in to the mental institution she had the privilege of belonging to as the wife of a Harvard man. She later describes her time at the institution not as a nervous break-down, but as a nervous break-through. In reflection she writes, "I think back to the morning when I'd worked on the suicide note feeling already dead. It's a thousand years ago, the writing of that note."
She also wrote about how her connection to Church and God allowed her to pray deeply to break away from both her addiction and the darkness that held her happiness hostage. She explains the power of her prayer in this way, " It sounds so fake to say it, but only after I started praying was I able to put sober days together."
During the final section of Mary's book I see so many parallels to my own childhood. The struggle my Mom battled against addiction, the struggle I face now after her death seeing her soaring fighting spirit to battle darkness everywhere in me. Thank you Mary for writing honestly and inspiring me as I write my Memoir and thank you Mom for, like Mary, fighting to live and raise your children with a loving heart. Thank you. I love you for that forever Mom.
Our next Oprah pick from her January Magazine will also be a memoir. It's written by Elizabeth Gilbert who also wrote, "Eat, Pray, Love" soon to be a movie with Julia Roberts! Yes, I'll be going to that! Anyway, her new Memoir will be out on Jan 5Th and it called " Committed" It's all about her marriage to Felipe and the challenges and Joys of committed relationships. In the excerpt from her new Memoir in Oprah's January Magazine, she writes," There is hardly a more gracious gift that we can offer somebody than to accept them fully, to love them almost despite themselves."
I hope everyone pursues their creative dreams in 2010 and I hope reading our Oprah picks continues to inspire all of us to never give up on our creaivity, Happy New Year, Leslie
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